If a goofy plastic stick doesn't make you a pro, then what does it REALLY take to be a professional sniper? Simple. All you need is courage, patience and a positive attitude. Also, it helps to have Ensign Ricky along to flush out targets.

This fellow obviously takes our self-described "ultimate" sniper serious. Sad. He probably also has a goofy plastic stick dangling between his legs.

A sniper is lying in wait for the enemy.  He sees them approaching in the distance and he is appalled at the great number of armored vehicles they have brought.

His orders are to engage when they reach a certain point almost a half a mile away.  But he's never practiced at more than 600 yards.  Also, there is a high wind and he is very unsure of his wind-reading ability.

He despairs, "Oh God!  I'm fucked!"

A booming voice in the clouds responds, "You are not fucked!  Dial in 8.25 minutes-of-angle left wind."

"Thank you God!" the sniper rejoices.

He reaches up and gives his windage dial a big twist.  It comes off in his hand.

The voice in the clouds says, "There, now you're fucked!"

Moral:  Those three teeny-weenie set screws that attach your thumb-turn to your windage dial are very important.  Keep them snug – but don’t strip the threads.  Also, never despair.

Ever wondered how a Navy SEAL feels after completing a successful sniper mission? Click here.

We'll kick those Russian's butts!!! Or I'll eat my tie!!!

Illustration by Kevin Tuma

In the future, sniper rifles will be obsolete. Shooting people is so 20th century! We'll all have smartphone apps to accomplish this simple task.

An American man married a Ukrainian bride and was showing her the sights in the United States.  He boasted that, in America, we have such mountains that an echo can be heard for five minutes.

"Show me," she said, and so they climbed to the top of Mount Whitney.

"Hello!" shouted the American, and for five minutes they could hear, "Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello,..."

"This is a mountain?" she asked, "In the Ukraine we have such mountains that an echo can be heard for three hours!"

"Show me," he said, and so they climbed to the top of Mount Hoverla.

"In the Carpathians, Muscovite!" she shouted and for three hours they could hear, "Where's Muscovite? Where's Muscovite? Where's Muscovite? Where's Muscovite? Where's Muscovite? Where's Muscovite?..."

The Russians are coming!!! The Russians are coming!!!
Maybe we can hold them off at the river?

Attention soldiers and Marines: Ever wondered
what you are fighting for? That's right,
it's the Almighty Dollar.